Monocles and Waistcoats

I’m writing this as I pass through the idyllic Chinese countryside by train. The perfectly manicured peasant fields meld incongruously with the remnants of the Great Leap Forward and only the occasional nuclear reactor break up the flat, northern expanses of China.

Unfortunately, the romance is all lost on me because I’m so hungry, I’m about to eat my keyboard.

Look up hungry as a bear in an idiom dictionary and you’ll probably see a picture of me when I a) Wake up b) Get out of class c) Have free time d) Stay up all night to talk to people in America and miss breakfast. Generally, I exemplify all the positive qualities of my ursine cousin: cute, cuddly, hair--but I will eat your arm, dear reader, if I miss a meal.

Usually, hunger and sleep deprivation just make me unpleasant, but throw in the frustrations of navigating the Chinese transit system and I was about to go full blown grizzly.

Honestly, the Chinese are good at a great many things, but they are the best at making travel so exceedingly difficult that I was all set to have a staycation by the time I made it to the train station. As we packed into our cattle car bus, I proceeded to engage in a contortion routine to fit into my seat. Since my driver was too lazy to down sift, the bus proceeded to chug and puff, leaping in jolts and starts, making it easy to visualize how rough seas feel.

Finally getting off the bus at the train station, I slammed my head into a bar obviously put on the bus to punish tall foreigners. Sleep deprived and hungry, I would have normally grunted and swore under my breath; however, today, dear reader, I bellowed so loud, people not in our travel party stopped and stared.

Trying to find my happy place, I removed myself from the general crowd so as not to yell at anyone and sat quietly in the centuries old train station. Getting on the train, I put the Grizzly to sleep for a little bit, as I realized that I was super excited to be riding on a train. 

I’ve always felt it superior to other forms of travel, but never had the experience to make a definite decision. Sinking into my comfy SPACIOUS human –sized seat, my feelings were confirmed, and I spent a few moments imagining myself in the 1920’s, getting ready to set off across the US on the transcontinental. Monocles and waistcoats lulled me into hibernation and I hoped to wake up in Beijing.

Since, I am still writing this from the train though, it is obvious that I have not arrived in the land of milk and honey. When I woke up to the fleeing peasant landscape, I accepted the fact that I will never be able to properly gauge how long a trip will take, and tried to find the dining car. Finding only dried fish and other sketchy Chinese snack foods, I’ve moved from contemplating eating my keyboard, to eating more substantial prey…

Seriously contemplating cannibalism,

Mr. Mockler